COMPLICATION
Current time: 5:22am
What I hear: Kanye's Spaceship, and the buzzing of the fan.
Why I'm up so early: MIND YER BUSINESS! just joking.
As I walked back from the kitchen with my newly brewed mug of coffee in hand, I sneezed about 7 feet away from my bedroom door, where I was headed, and the force of my sneeze shook my whole body. I shut my eyes, as people tend to do when sneezing, and let 'er go. I spilled half the coffee, and ended up cleaning it lest the dining room floor get all sticky. I'm currently sipping of half the coffee I orignially intended to drink this morning. Didn't bother making a new cup. Kapoy. Why do I complicate things with coffee? I hate it. It's probably the main reason why I have such a hard time sleeping at night.
Wake-up time for me was mad early today - 4am. And I was thinking of this short conversation I had with Tanya last night. I FEEL YA, GIRL!
COMPLICATION. For real.
Until a couple years ago, I took a little pride in the fact that I had let go of so much baggage. A lot of it was the baggage of being self-conscious (man, I promise), which is so heavy and burdensome. But the majority of it was the dependency of looking to other people for self-worth, contentment, and general happiness. I came to a point where all I could do was let go. It was either clining to my superficial, materialistic, snotty-nosed-Jena, spoiled lifestyle, or just letting go. And it came back to Him. It was at my tipping point. It came down to Him, and I finally just let Him take control.
We tend to complicate things when, in truth, it just comes down to what He thinks of us. My dad and his generation would beg to argue. They take the word, "security", and completely misconstrue its meaning into the most worldly denotation possible: succeed in school, land a good job, marry someone just as hard-working and reliable as yourself, save as much as possible for retirement and the education of your children, or whatever relative's children you might need to support (as is a common happening in my family).
During a conversation with my brother a couple nights ago, we got into talking about our family, what their idea of happiness was, and how it was so severly messed up. We both agreed that since Daddy's family didn't grow up with the gift of having sufficient money for school, this was most likely the source of the feelings of instability and insecurity. And it's probably only natural that the main goal of their life was to achieve the stability and security for themselves and their children that they felt they lacked. They were unhappy lacking financially. So, logic would told them that to be happy meant to NOT lack.
Big Bro and I agreed that this was faulty. But where we did differ in opinion was what we were really supposed to aim for. He claimed that he desired mere happiness - and that happiness was found in an extreme form of simplicity - and he would be content. That he didn't want to feel the pressure of making lots of money. He didn't want what they wanted. And that this is where his main problem with our family was.
Wow. I told him that I may be young, and a bit idealistic, but I believed that one could only arrive at pure, true happiness when you could honestly say that you're walking with God, and you know He's pleased with you.
Anyway, getting back to my point, I think we tend to complicate things much. I think we desire these weird things, whether they be financial security (or in my brother's case, to be left alone to live however he pleases), or materiality (is that a word?) and social status, which is so rampant in the Philippines - and more worldwide, in relationships with the opposite (err... in some cases, the same) sex.
I'm not going to act all self-righteous, and say that I don't want that kinda stuff. And it's an obvious no-brainer that you need money to live, material possesions, and people around you. You also need approval from these people, lest you get to be all indifferent and rebellious. But I do know that it's all just chasing the wind when God's pleasure isn't your main objective for living.
Very recently, I've been dealing with a sackfull of distractions. I almost started feeling like I wanted my security to be found in other things (errr... people) other than God again. But then He is good. He literally just closed all of it off. Put up the yellow tape, because crossing it would only lead to destruction. I don't want to go down that road again. I know what is bound to happened. It all just falls down (hahaha! Kanye na naman. But it does, doesn't it? So, yeah. "Never that". Not again, at least.
Long entry. Just venting. I'm glad He shook me. It may not feel good - being disciplined isn't usually the best feeling in the world. Plus, more than once, I've prayed for Him to teach me His ways. And like Tanya was saying in her [silly, but] true metaphor, letting go hurts. But it WILL ultimately lead to something a million times bigger and better. Eh. I didn't like him all that much anyway. HAHAHAHA! I'm so dumb. I'm just glad that God has me in check.
Father, thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for the discipline that ya give me. Thank you for putting that yellow tape up. Don't deserve it. You prune me. Thank you for helping me, for slowly molding me into that woman that I want to become. Happy, respected, and - most importantly - right where you want me to be.
